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Yes yes. Hurry up, finals week!

There is so much I want to dooooo. I'm really happy because finals week is next week and I actually already have the bulk of my work finished. I have a final presentation due Monday night for adolescent lit, a final exam in molecular bio on Monday morning and a math final on Tuesday morning and then I am *DONE*. I turned in my final portfolio this afternoon for my fiction writing class.

So that takes me to my plans for the summer, I guess! I'm supposed to be doing a directed study in philosophy (something in gender & race, I think) but that will be mostly readings and some short responses and papers if I know my professor well enough (and I think I do).

Other than that it will be ~commission time~ and ~writing time~. My goal is to have enough confidence by the end of the summer to start submitting some stories to some small magazines. I'm not expecting much -- I don't even expect to be paid -- but I would like to start trying to publish. I feel pretty confident in my ability to write but not so sure that my ideas are so great. :< I suppose we'll see!

I'm also finishing up a giant pinwheel afghan and after that I'd like to make another blanket, maybe to sell. I like making afghans because you can just bring a square with you and work on it wherever you go. :D

I also really want to work on my anxiety issues this summer. I'm starting to really *REALLY* notice how much it keeps me from going places and doing things now that I'm trying harder to get myself out there in the world. :


So, I opened up a new tab to look at someone's LJ and of course an ad popped up. Normally I just close it right away or turn off my volume really fast so it doesn't blow me away, but this time it happened to completely freeze my computer while still playing the ad at a REALLY HIGH VOLUME and I couldn't do anything about it. Since my cursor was frozen and I couldn't click on the volume control and typing the volume control on the keyboard was doing nothing.



I can't pay attention!

I wish I knew what the problem was. I know there are a lot of people (especially younger people) who complain of having short attention spans. To be honest it's never really affected my work, except perhaps in highschool where I did kind of poorly, but it does make things more difficult for me. When I had to see a psychologist last year to obtain my letter for chest surgery I was told that because of the results of the tests he had given me, if I were to continue seeing him he would most likely have worked with me for attention deficit issues. I was told that I scored very well on the IQ test -- 132. I was surprised when he told me that because I was very, very sleepy when I was being tested and didn't realize that I was being given an IQ test at all! He seemed more concerned, during our talk, about me staying in academics than he did about my surgery. "You can do pretty much whatever you want," he said. Though he did suggest spending some more time learning math. :]

Anyway, apparently I scored very low though on the tests that gauge attention span, though I don't know which tests were which. I remember being told to recite numbers back at the proctor. 3, 7, 72... After the numbers went beyond 6 in a row or so I just couldn't remember them anymore. I wonder if I would have scored better if I had gotten more rest.

Although I mention all of this because I notice how it affects me more and more. It's always been this way, but I suppose that the more work I have the worse the repercussions are. I retain almost everything I hear or read if I just pay attention... but that's the difficult part! Once in a while I feel very focused, but those time periods are also generally time periods where I am extremely anxious or I otherwise feel sort of... jittery? I don't know how else to explain it. Slightly crazy, but not necessarily in a concerning way. Sometimes I feel very motivated and I sit down and read a chapter out of my biology book and retain almost everything I read, even down to where the words were placed on the page. I go into class the next day for a quiz and suddenly the quizzes that seemed so difficult are embarrassingly easy, and that's just because I was able to do the reading.

Most of the time though I sit and stare at the page and it's like I'm doing anything but that. The words are there and I'm saying them in my head but they are not being translated into information. I forget everything the instant I stop reading it. I'm thinking of a thousand other things -- other things I'd like to do, other things I have done that day, yesterday, last week.

But anyway, this is frustrating because I know I can do well but I can't make myself get into the frame of mind where I DO well. It's a really distinct difference, too. And I try and try and sit in front of books for hours but if I'm not in that frame of mind nothing comes to me, either while studying or on the day of a test. My scores are not at all correlated with how many hours I spend studying, consequently. Actually, if anything they may be inversely correlated, because it's an indication that I've comprehended everything better if I've spent less time going over it.

I've tried to compensate for it by sort of listening to how I feel at the moment. Sometimes it's hard, because I will know, for instance, that I SHOULD be studying for biology but I will instead INTENSELY feel like doing my reading for my literature class or something. So I do the reading instead, because I know I'll get that done and remember everything well. It's a more logical use of my time, but I feel really guilty for it.

And then sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night and feel almost insane with the desire to study something and instantly I'll no longer be tired. Or I'll lay in bed after a long day, having gotten little sleep the night before, but still be unable to fall asleep because I really *really* want to read my biology textbook or something.

And right now, I should be studying math, but I did my reading for a class that isn't due for *weeks*! I finished the entire book! Math is tomorrow! I really want to study biology, now, too, but I know I shouldn't because that isn't nearly as imminent! I wonder if I'll ever get this straightened out. :(

Fear meme.

I'm afraid of:
[x] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[x] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x] closed spaces
[x] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
So far: 4

[x] being touched
[ ] fire
[x] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[x] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriend's/girlfriend's dad
[ ] my boyfriend's/girlfriend's mom
[ ] rats
[x] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
So far: 9

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[x] crossing hanging bridges
[x] death
[ ] heaven
[ ] being robbed
[x] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[x] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
So far: 13

[ ]tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[x] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[x] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[x] being alone
[x] becoming blind
[x] becoming deaf
So far: 18

[x] growing up
[x] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[x] needles
[x] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[x] high speed
[x] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secrets
Result: 25

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.



So, it's 3. I've been up for about an hour. I decided last night to try and go to bed early so that I'd wake up earlier, and um, well. I guess I did! I was planning on getting up at 4, but I guess 2 works, too. :|

I wanted to study study study for a cell & molecular test I have tomorrow and work on some other things until math class this morning, but I just got an email letting me know that my math class is canceled this entire week! :D Hooray!

I still need to at least show my face at work this morning some time and hand in my time-sheet that's due today, but that's it.

Hopefully this means I'll be prepared for my test and I can catch up a little on commissions while hanging out at home!

PS: I am obsessed with this little Myndology study cards. Has anyone ever used them? They're basically notecards on a ring and they have a little pretty outside covering that comes in a variety of colors. I used to just use index cards but, you know, they fly everywhere, they're quite big, they aren't very nice to look at or try to organize, etc. I wholeheartedly recommend these things. I'm going to go finish filling one up now with information about DNA replication. :


If your pet were a person, what occupation would they choose?

Gentleman farmer. Although I'm thinking he'd be privately wealthy and any occupation he'd choose would be simply to occupy his time.

He's a tuxedo cat.


Things have been slightly insane and that's probably why I haven't posted much at all. :< Currently, I actually don't have *too* too much on my plate but I do have some responsibilities that are looming up closer and closer as the days wear on.

Short term, I'm looking at an exam this Wednesday and a few writing assignments, etc. But nothing major at all, so that's nice!

In the not-too-distant future I need to start thinking about what's going on this summer. I'm definitely going to be at Anthrocon and I will have a dealer's table this year! Yay! That means catching up on current commissions and preparing some more premades to have at the table. :]

I also want to take two 3-week field courses at a field station to fulfill my upper-level biology credits. I really want to graduate on time, but at the very latest I only want to postpone graduation by a semester if I can help it. Being a super-senior would be no fun.

Presumably I should start looking at graduate programs, but I'm still too frightened. Really now is the time to start doing it, though. :/ Think about GREs, etc. because I do plan on applying to some programs in ecology & paleontology, but I'm still going to apply to some literature & writing programs, too. :]

Strangely, Arpad and I have really been into unicorns lately. We just got done reading The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle and it was amazing. We're still totally enamored and we finished it a week ago. I just can't stop thinking about it / loving on it.

I'm also reading a lot of zombies (predictably) and new on the radar... steampunk? I don't know what happened! I'm on Boneshaker right now by Cherie Priest. So zombies AND steampunk! :D

Pokemon White has actually taken up a lot of my time. Whoops. :< We preordered and I STILL haven't beaten the Elite Four yet. Damn you other life responsibilities!

I'm a *werewolf*!

[ ] You are rather wild, and let your instincts run you.
[ ] You get drunk a lot.
[ ] Bravery and boldness is second nature to you.
[ ] You have a deep love for astronomy and the universe.
[ ] You like to read your daily horoscope.
[ ] You have a high level of pride in yourself.
[ ] In the woods is the best place for you to be.
[ ] You are spiritual.
[ ] The horse is your favorite animal.
[x] You are possessive and territorial.
Total: 1

[ ] Your ears are slightly pointed at the tips.
[x] You are very intelligent. ------> (Smarter than the average wombat!)
[ ] Your five senses are extremely keen.
[ ] Your weight is quite a bit lighter than the average person at your particular height.
[ ] You always wear elegant clothes and speak as politely as possible.
[ ] You are most at peace when you are gazing at something beautiful, like nature.
[x] You look very young for your age.
[ ] You rarely get sick.
[x] You are a very hard worker.
[ ] Above all other superpowers, you would love to read minds or see the future.
Total: 3

[x] You are happy a lot of the time.
[ ] The best superpower to you would be to fly.
[x] You are very shy.
[x] You love the forest and plant life in general.
[ ] You are always willing to help others, even if you might not be the best to offer aid.
[x] You are young and short.
[ ] Dancing is one of your favorite pastimes.
[ ] If someone ticks you off, you are very clever with getting them back.
[ ] Your clothing isn't always presentable, but you are comfortable with what you wear.
[ ] Circles are a wonderful symbol of unity to you.
Total: 4

[x] You are excellent with crafts and handiwork.
[x] In social situations, you tend to be a little awkward.
[x] You are short for your age.
[ ] You are an isolationist.
[ ] You love to play practical jokes on people.
[ ] You are extremely fascinated with jewelry.
[ ] You look older than your age.
[x] You love the woods and the mountains.
[ ] You are well off, or come from a family that is well off.
[x] You have a short temper.
Total: 5

[ ] You are best at talking bad about people behind their backs and not to their face.
[ ] When you are annoyed, you will go to a great extent to torment whoever did so to you.
[ ] You often take things that aren't yours
[x] You are easily angered.
[ ] Death fascinates you.
[x] You are female, or a feminine-looking man.
[ ] You associate yourself with the wind element.
[ ] You can switch quickly between your light and dark side.
[ ] You love to trick others.
[x] You have a ravenous appetite.
Total: 3

[ ] You love the beach more so because of the water than the shore itself.
[ ] Fish are some of the most beautiful creatures to you.
[ ] The ultimate superpower to you would be to breathe underwater.
[ ] You enjoy looking at ships, but not riding them, as well as you like ships for traveling, not hunting in the sea.
[ ] You are good at swimming.
[ ] You like to collect shells.
[ ] You use sea items as jewelry or decoration.
[x] You enjoy learning about the ocean and the life inside it.
[x] You are extremely against ocean pollution.
[ ] Legs on land are not as important as a fin in the sea.
Total: 2

[x] You're a night person.
[ ] You have a fascination with blood.
[x] You are extremely pale.
[ ] You wish you had a bat as a pet.
[x] You are not religious at all.
[x] Tight spaces are not scary or uncomfortable for you.
[ ] The sun's glare annoys you all too often.
[ ] You hate food with lots of garlic in it.
[x] To you, a kiss on the neck is more romantic than a kiss on the cheek or lips.
[ ] You don't like sharp objects near you.
Total: 5

[ ] The full moon is the most beautiful scene to you.
[x] You have a lot of body hair.
[x] The ability to shape shift is the best superpower to you.
[ ] You prefer gold over silver items.
[x] You lack self control.
[x] You find it easier to have sympathy for animals than for humans.
[x] You have a deep respect for wolves and wild dogs.
[x] You like to be alone.
[ ] You have a terrible secret and you only tell people you trust 100% about it.
[ ] You'd rather be outdoors than indoors.
Total: 6

[ ] You love chemistry.
[ ] You are intuitive and good at analyzing people, to the point that people seriously or jokingly say you're psychic.
[ ] The most amazing supernatural power to you is controlling the elements.
[x] You are a nature lover.
[x] You have a strong sense of responsibility.
[x] You spend a lot of time alone.
[x] You usually hang around with a certain animal all the time when you feel lonely.
[ ] You are spiritual, but not necessarily religious.
[ ] Cooking is one of your favorite things to do.
[ ] You enjoy learning about Wicca and the occult.
Total: 4

[x] You are pale.
[x] You are hungry a lot.
[ ] Many activities you do every day make you feel mindless, or like a drone.
[ ] Most of the time you or a part of you is cold.
[x] You love to eat meat.
[4] You would resort to cannibalism if that was the only source of food.
[ ] You make grunts and moans a lot.
[x] You usually walk slow.
[ ] You are not afraid of seeing a lot of blood or getting a lot of blood on you.
Total: 4

[x] You are very passionate about the things you like.
[ ] You like to get drunk and dance.
[ ] You're very amorous.
[x] You enjoy feasting with friends.
[x] You love nature but more for the animals than the trees and plants.
[ ] You like getting rowdy and having a good time.
[x] You laugh a lot.
[x] You love the chase almost as much as the capture.
[ ] You wish you had horns.
Total: 5

You are a werewolf.







All I want to do is play Harvest Moon. :|

Also my Pokemon card list is really out of date now and I don't know when I'll feel like bothering to update it, so I guess if you are interested in them you should ask me if I have something or not until I don't feel guilty about playing with them anymore in lieu of having a thousand things to do for school.


To-Do List!

Okay, so I'm making a post here in an attempt to organize myself a bit. There are some things I want together (including an actual to-do list) and it's easier for me if I just have it together in one place. ;D

1. I really want to get together a list of all the sites and forums I'm active on so that I can be more active on them. xD Maybe organize them into subject or something.

So I'll make those categories here and just browse around and add the links here. I want to just make a folder in my tabs on Firefox so I can keep things together. I feel sort of neglectful.

http://www.livejournal.com (here!)

2. Actual to-do list before the end of the semester / before Christmas.

I. Read "American Pastoral" and write response.
II. Read "Watchmen" and write response.
III. Read chapter on "Sexual Ethics".
IV. Read "Monkey Wrench Gang".
V. Finish Se Kar plushie.
VI. Make Zune cover.
VII. Make dog plushie.
VIII. Adjust beak on little owl.